Features NY Life β€” 24 December 2010
Smithee Gripes: The Holiday Gripe-A-Thon

Tis the season for joyous celebrations with the ones we love as we drink in the brisk sensations of winter and be generally merry. It is also the season for all New Yorkers to join together and hate a common enemy. No, it is not the Mayor, who may or may not be king at this point. And it is also not Lebron James, who chose the frigid tundra of southern Florida over us. Instead it is the people who come to visit our little Hamlet year round, “The Tourists.”

During the holidays, they arrive like clockwork. Once the tree goes up in Rockefeller Center, they swarm the land like some killer bees. It truly is a annual epidemic. As a local, we wonder how these people exist in their own homes, and towns. Who are they, and what drives them to be the person they are?

Personally, I don’t care about either of those questions. What I am most concerned about is; why do they pick the coldest time of year to clog up our streets as they stare up at buildings and purchase overpriced corny clothes, while they feed their fat (stereotype, sorry) Midwestern faces on crappy deli sandwiches, and/or fast food and call this a New York experience. Listen, I don’t consider myself a pretentious guy, I like beef jerky and Mountain Dew like the next fella. But to wait on line to eat at Bubba Gump Shrimp in Times Square is flat out inexcusable and stupid. The same goes for the movie it is based off of. Sorry Zemeckis. I loves me some Back to The Future but come on. But, I digress.

Listen we all know the economy is in the dump right now and every little bit helps. I totally understand this. This is no excuse for Pierre, Fritz, and Jon Luc coming over here thinking they own the place. The Euro-Trash factor around Christmas time is always at a dangerous level. They may have a lot of money, but that is no excuse for a shitty attitude and body odor. We get it- Parisians don’t believe in deodorant. I want to get a huge can aerosol can of Axe Body Spray and go up to each of these guys, lift their arms and nuke their pits. This will be easy, because for some reason they are wearing tank tops in thirty degree weather. Also, we know you speak English, so don’t try pulling the old, “I’m from a different country, I don’t understand your American tipping.” Tipping is customary here, even moreso around the holiday times. Those actors, I mean waiters, need to pay their bills too.

It is true, I Alan Smithee am known for my gripes. But this is the season for giving and being kind to other. I am thrilled that New York City still draws in droves of people every year and not just around the Holidays. We have been through a lot as New Yorkers over the past decade. So it is both flattering and humbling that people from all over the world are no longer afraid to venture to the big apple. Yes, it is true that a few bad apples exist who spoil it for the rest. But in general, these out of town guests just want to see what makes this city so great. I for one can stand behind that. So from the LocalBozo family to yours, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Drink up, you’re going to need it.

- Alan Smithee

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