Features NY Life — 28 June 2010
Sliding Doors

Hey You! Oh, you can’t hear me? Is it because you’re looking down at your Blackberry instead of noticing that this elevator stopped at your floor, the doors are now closing, and you forgot to get off? And now, just realizing it, you’re pushing the button for the next floor, so you don’t need to go all the way to the bottom of the building? All the while a full elevator has to make another stop because of your carelessness?

And how about your buddy? I’m looking at you, “Guy who sticks his arm in between the closing elevator doors, managing to slither himself comfortably inside while everyone has to wait for you.” There isn’t a bank of like 5 other elevators in this lobby that you can wait for? Oh, you probably don’t feel like waiting any longer than you have to, to make it up to your floor and get to work on time. Well guess what… We don’t either. You didn’t make it in time, Chief. Don’t hold the rest of us up. If that’s not doing it for you, rest assured- elevators go up AND down. There is absolutely another one coming, you selfish son of a bitch.

Oh you don’t want to get on that next one either? Because it’s completely full and some humongous woman, pulled the same move as you, but had to lather herself in Crisco just to squeeze inside? See how annoying that looks from the outside?

How about my personal favorite- “Guy who seems in perfect health but needs to use the elevator to move one floor?” You are so much worse than “Guy who is facing the wrong way in the elevator,” or “Guy who accidentally hit the wrong floor,” or even “Guy who is kind enough to step out and let other people get off on their floor, but takes too long to get back inside and the doors begin to close on him.” You aren’t carrying any big or cumbersome item in your hands Pal, and you don’t seem to care much about what we all think either. You are simply making sure that you exert the least possible effort to get to where you need to go, and that’s fine by you. Trust me, it’s a good thing you don’t know what we are all thinking.

Look, elevators are very convenient. I get it. Instead of panting and sweating by the time you get to the 5th floor, you can stand there calmly, brushing that Emo haircut of yours out of your eyes, and stroll confidently and comfortably down the hallway to your destination. We can all agree: elevators make life easier. It’s douchebags that make it harder.

- Jane Van Arsdale

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(1) Reader Comment

  1. How about “Guy who is playing his Ipod so loud everyone can hear his music” or “Guy who hits the wrong floor” – I hate those douches…